dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
