I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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