Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
