I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
