He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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