You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
