This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
