On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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