I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
