She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
