Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
