Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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