Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
