the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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