where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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