I think I died a long time ago.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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