There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The struggles of a small town man whore
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
