Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
babies were throwing up all over the place
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
