Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
