apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize