This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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