I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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