you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
