Ambien. No doubt about it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My vagina is officially offended.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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