No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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