Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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