pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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