My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
