There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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