Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
How external is "for external use only"?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
