You're a womanizer and a bitch.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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