that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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