I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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