Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish I only lived at night.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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