I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
