she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
