My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
just tell him i said nine months
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
