i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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