Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
