If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
