i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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