You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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