If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
