she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
