I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize