I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
and you fell through a lawn chair
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
