So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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