I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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