Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
