just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
