the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
