i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
