woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
