a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
my liver is dry heaving
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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