My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
