right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
