Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
