i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize