he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
