the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
