sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
