Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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