Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
