just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
